


Unsolicited Dick Pic

by canweflyxx



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Dick Pics, M/M, basically louis freaking out, fun office banter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 05:06:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10154336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canweflyxx/pseuds/canweflyxx
Summary: Louis accidentally sends a picture of his penis to his boss.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because of this> http://youfuckingloosah.tumblr.com/post/158079784837 by @reinventlou ...enjoy Louis freaking the fuck out. This is just silly banter.
> 
> xoxoxo

Louis had a great job that he had worked at for approximately three years. 

He was an electrical engineer at a software company called Techix, which was known for its new age, innovative creations and amazing benefits. 

Seriously, maternity leave, paternity leave, free coffee and food all day. They had a yoga-day on Wednesday where there whole staff wore yoga-pants and had a yogi 

from Dubai teach them poses that made Louis stiff until the following Wednesday. No one wanted to label ‘interns’ or ‘boss’. Everyone was just ‘working individuals’ 

(that’s what the higher-ups tried to insist anyways). Like software designers of the round table or some shit. It was the smaller, slightly less serious younger brother of Google. 

Louis really, really liked his job. Which was why he had never loathed anyone more in his entire existence than Liam Payne on the morning of March 6th, 2017. 

“I will end you, Payne, “ he hissed into his phone. “I will cut of your goddamn dick for all the trouble it’s caused and I will shove it so far up your ass you will taste it.” 

Louis was currently crouched in the company bathroom stall, scratching the tile like he would scratch Liam’s eyeballs out. 

“It isn’t entirely my fault. No need to get violent.” 

Louis pulled at his hair. He was probably going bald. It didn’t matter.

“Not your fault? It is entirely your fault Liam. It’s weird! What you asked of me was not normal and because I am such a good fucking friend I—“

He heard a huff on the other end of the phone, quickly covered by a cough. “Are you laughing, Payno? My life is RUINED. Now there is only one thing to do.”

“Lou, I really think you’re exaggerating—you’ve said he’s a cool guy before, am I right?”

“I will have to quit. There go my paternity benefits.”

“You don’t have a baby.”

“Well I bloody well wanted one Lee-yum! Now I won’t be able to, will I?”

Louis felt like he had to pee. When he freaked the fuck out he always felt like he needed to pee. He almost pissed himself just a short 15 minutes before.

“Louis. Just talk to him. He’ll understand. Blame it all on me if you have too—“ 

“LIAM I SENT A PICTURE OF MY DICK TO MY BOSS.”

A pause, then, “You really should have looked at your messages properly Lou.”

“I will kill you,” Louis whispered, before promptly hanging up the phone. He unrolled some toilet paper from the roll to dab the sweat from his face. 

 

It all started with bloody fucking Liam. Liam who went to the gym 8 times a week and had abs of steel and a HUGE dick (Louis had never, ever wanted to fuck Liam—but he can observe). Liam was self-conscious because a girl he was mooning over wanted “sexy pictures” and he had no idea how to take them. He kept claiming the angles were always wrong, and how he never looked good in any he took. Louis found this stupid and unbelievable (he never told Liam that part), and just told him to take tons and he’d get one eventually. Unsolicited dick pics were gross, but an invited one was always a treat and usually resulted in sex. Louis had made the mistake approximately one week ago that he was a connoisseur of sorts with the nude pictures, and Liam had been up his ass about it ever since. 

“Send one to me Lou. Just so I can copy it like math in uni. Help me.”

“I send naked pictures to gay boys Payno. Maybe girls like different stuff? I doubt Sarah--

“Susie.”

“I doubt Susie wants to see a picture of your arsehole, does she?”

“Dick pics are dick pics, Lou. Help a friend out.”

Liam had given him sick puppy dog eyes, and Louis has never denied fucking Liam anything, because they’ve been best friends forever and he’s pretty sure Liam would take a bullet for him---so he takes an amazing (if he does say so himself) picture of his dick that includes his thighs (looking muscular and round) and the bottom of his belly. But mostly it is a picture of his dick. He fell asleep that night after eating pizza, before sending it to Liam, and so the next morning he had sleepily clicked on the last incoming message and attached the picture with a following text saying, “here ya go ya lucky bastard—don’t wank on the drive to work”. 

It was an hour later on the train to his work, when Louis had realized that his boss “Call me Harry”, had texted him late the night before asking about a report. So instead of poor little Lima receiving the picture he had asked Louis for, Louis had instead sent it to “Call me Harry”, his boss. An unsolicited dick pic. To his Boss. 

His boss who was two years younger than Louis but the best fucking coder he had ever met—his Boss who was tall and really fucking lean and broad and who wore fucking skin tight jeans and yoga pants—Louis had nearly concussed himself that first Wednesday—and whose curly hair and green eyes have made Louis come (guiltily) for a better part of the three years he’s worked at Techix. ”Call me Harry” who Louis refused to call Harry and only call Mr. Styles, or ‘sir’ because if “Call me Harry” became _Harry_ , then Louis would start to pine. And he couldn’t pine after “Call me Harry” because he was his not-boss. And because “Call me Harry” had lunch with a very pretty girl most Fridays, not that Louis noticed. 

 

So Louis was going to quit is job.

Putting on a hand on his stomach, Louis felt his breath go in and out of his body. He tried to focus on this to calm himself down, but as soon as his mind lessened the panic, the idea that Call me Harry had seen his dick turned him on way more than it should have, and Louis started all over again with the existential crisis. 

He slowly pushed himself up off the floor and slowly made his way back to his “open concept” desk—trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

Maybe he could just leave a note?

“Tommo?”

Louis jumped up out of his chair so quickly he knocked his knee of the desk. Swearing loudly, he turned around, heart racing and red-faced. “You looked like you were about to shit yer pants over here, what’s up?”

Louis knew Niall didn’t see the dick pic. But he felt guilty all the same. He was entirely unstable and Niall was grinning at him so naïve to the turmoil and life- threatening situation Louis was going through, that Louis couldn’t stop.

“I sent a unsolicited, unwanted, dick pic to “Call me Harry” instead of to Liam and so I’m quitting.”

Louis realised immediately Niall wasn’t the best person to tell—Niall was shortly after nearly pissing himself on the floor laughing and howling out unimaginable things like “About time” and “good for you” and “fucking hell I would’ve loved to see his face”.

A private company message system pinged on Louis’ desktop, and his heart dropped out of his chest.

Harry Styles  
\- Good morning Louis. Please pop by my office asap! 

Louis was dead. Metaphorically? His heart wasn’t beating. He was sure his heart was in his ass. He didn’t think you could get that horrifying heart fall twice but it happened.

“I’m going to get fired. Oh my god—sexual harassment? This is sexual harassment! Niall! I sexually harassed the flower child “Call me Harry” who talks to the pigeons outside his window everyday!”

No coherent response from Niall. Was Louis the only sane one? The answer was no. No one was sane. Certainly Louis wasn’t. He fixed his fringe nervously, and knocked over the pens on this desk in the process. “He’s probably never seen a dick besides his own in his life. Sexual harassment.”

Louis picked up his bag and tried to look brave.

“Goodbye Nialler. It’s been nice working with you. See you in court—as I’m probably going to be charged with sexual assault. Please never stop shitting Irish glory."

Niall let out one last hoot.

“Go get em’ Lou! You should send Liam a fruit basket or something.”

“Fruit basket?!?! The only thing he’ll be getting from me is his own dick up his ass.”

“Call me Harry” and his office was located a short 30 seconds down the hall from where Louis spent his day. If Louis went to get water during his day, he could usually see his boss sitting at his desk (open door policy) concentrating, long fingers gently pulling at a, if Louis could be completely honest, disgustingly perfect bottom lip, or stretching his arms over his head, or laughing at something (probably) stupid Niall said.

 

Louis went to get water quite often. Staying hydrated is important. But now Louis was dreading “Call me Harry” and his office. Especially since their conversations had never included penis’ before. Fortunately. Or unfortunately. Louis decided it didn’t matter anymore—pine away, he might as well. No more longing to be fucked by his boss. Or fucking his boss over the Boss desk. Door closed of course. 

Louis knocked tentatively on “Call me Harry’s” door, which was closed.

Not a good sign then. Harry was all about the openness and the love.

No love for Louis then, because the door swung open quickly and he barely saw those green eyes for a second before his boss was turning around and walking gracelessly to sit at his desk.

“Sit Louis, please.”

Always fucking polite, “Call me Harry” was. Louis really liked that he was polite. Harry probably liked polite people, and sending a picture of an unwanted penis was not polite. 

Louis wasn’t sure if he was sweating or not—but he assumed he was. He was in a situation where he should be. He wasn’t sure because “Call me Harry” had on a very lovely dark green sweater that was loose and cuffed around his wrists. Really lovely wrists.

And his phone was sitting atop his desk, glaringly obvious.

“Listen, sir. I—Mr. Styles I really---“

“Call me Harry, Louis. We’ve known each other for years now—aren’t we friends?”

Louis cringed. Friends. He never had wanted for “Call me Harry” to be his friend. Or his boss. He wouldn’t be his boss for much longer though. Louis sighed and ducked his head, sitting quietly as he felt Harry regard him. He noticed Harry’s hands were intertwined, and his fingers were nudging against one another. His boss only fiddled with his fingers when he was stressed about a big project or big suppliers. 

Louis stressed him out with a picture of his penis. He felt terrible. Harry obviously didn’t like his penis. Louis was hurt—it was a really great penis. Not huge, but definitely above average. It also had a nice curve to it and Louis was sure it would look really nice up “Call me Harry’s” bu—

“Louis, you know why I called you in here?”

Silence. Louis could hear Nick’s annoyingly brass voice three halls down. His breath stuttered for a second, because Louis realised this was the part where he would get fired. A feeling of sadness washed over him instead of nervousness. Would he never see Harry again? What would it be like at Christmas? They always had a staff Christmas party and Call me Harry would always make sure that they sang Louis happy birthday. And Call me Harry always watered Louis’ plant on his desk, even though Louis should be watering it himself. Would he never see Harry again when he had been coding all night and needed a blanket and tea?

Louis hadn’t looked at his boss for a while now, and he couldn’t bear to look at Harry’s pretty eyes again—he didn’t want to see Harry for the last time. Ever. So Louis spoke down to his knees.

“I’m here because I accidently sent you a dick pic.”

He heard a sharp clanging, and on instinct his eyes shot to the noise.

Harry seemed to be frozen in place, two small wine glasses held in one (huge, ginormous) hand, and a bottle of what looked to be red wine in the other. Now where had he pulled that from, Louis wondered?

“Accidentally?” Harry was speaking, eyebrows to his hairline.

“Yes, yes—“ Louis blabbered when he got nervous. “Yes, you see, Call me Harry, Liam had low self esteem and didn’t know how to take a proper picture, so he wanted to see mine cause I’m really good at taking nudies, you know? Well of course you do now—anyways—umm—so I sent it to him but it was actually you, see? And now you’re going to file a sexual assault charge to me name and I’ll never get another job again but the thing is, Call me Harry I don’t want another job as you guys have paternity benefits and I want kids? I love kids. Anyways and you work here, and even though I hate hate hate Wednesday yoga—“ Harry was very still now, staring at Louis with wide eyes, “—I hate yoga, but I love seeing you in yoga pants. I mean who wears blue yoga pants, Styles?? So I just, I guess what I’m saying is that I really don’t want this to be the last time we speak even though I sexually harassed you at your own company.”

Silence. Silence, silence. Silence. 

Louis foot tapped on the floor, eyes never leaving Harry’s face. Louis twitched. He scratched his noise, squinted at the clock, and picked at a hangnail before Harry spoke again, his low voice shaking slightly.

 

“So what you’re saying Louis, is that you never meant to send me any pictures of you penis, but you probably love me and want to keep working here?”

“Umm---well yes I suppose. What about your girlfriend?”

“I’m gay.”

“Great! So it’s possible you liked the penis picture then? Who’s the girl on Fridays?”

“That’s Gemma, my sister. She knows all about you.” Harry stared at him again, and put down the wine. “I did appreciate the picture. Thank you,” and something in Harry’s voice made Louis nice and warm and syrupy. 

Harry got up from his desk and walked around to stand in front of where Louis was sitting. Louis felt a grin stretch over his face. Harry was really beautiful. “Can I take you on a date Mr. Tomlinson?”

“Call me Louis, please.”


End file.
